## THE GRAND UNIFICATION OF THE THEORY OF SPECIAL, GENERAL, AND TOTALLY INDISCRIMATE RELATIVISM, AND THE EXISTENCE OF TWIDARK

Big Al Onestone postulated that nothing can travel faster than light. Otherwise time and space get mixed up so much that you can receive a message before you send it.
This theory was widely accepted, until some annoying person pointed out that dark travels faster than light. That is, d > c. Undaunted, Onestone introduced a slight modification into his equations. He asserted that d is negative, but we are measuring it in the wrong direction. Dark does not move away from light at speed d. It moves towards light at speed –d. Now –d < c and all is well. Also ED = -m(-d)^2 = -md^2 is unchanged. |

The total energy is

EL + ED = mc^2 – md^2 < 0

which is paradoxical.

Physicists have decided that there must exist

EL + ED + ET = 0

A formula known as

ET = md^2 – mc^2

Bearing in mind that the speed of twidark is b, it seems reasonable to set

ET = mb^2

And the reader can easily verify that

b^2 = d^2 – c^2

which we rewrite as

b^2 + c^2 = d^2

and recognise as Pthagonal’s Theorem (in non-standard notation). QED.

**TWIDARK ENERGY**The total energy is

EL + ED = mc^2 – md^2 < 0

which is paradoxical.

Physicists have decided that there must exist

**twidark energy**ET to account for the discrepancy, so thatEL + ED + ET = 0

A formula known as

**Asymptotic Flatness of the Turtle**. It follows thatET = md^2 – mc^2

Bearing in mind that the speed of twidark is b, it seems reasonable to set

ET = mb^2

And the reader can easily verify that

b^2 = d^2 – c^2

which we rewrite as

b^2 + c^2 = d^2

and recognise as Pthagonal’s Theorem (in non-standard notation). QED.

Solving for b we obtain

b = ±√(d^2 – c^2)

implying that twidark moves at a speed of either

+√(d^2 – c^2)

or

−√(d^2 – c^2)

Physicists feel that this dual-speed property must be important: it should allow twidark to join up properly with both light, which has positive speed, and dark, which has negative speed. However, neither answer agrees with our previous hypotheses☛, so the detailed calculations are elusive.

For example, if we average to two speeds we get b=0, which is one of our previous suggestions.

Alternatively, the average of the speeds of light and dark is

(c-d)/2

or, if you dispute Onestone’s ‘negative d’ proposal,

(c+d)/2

Compromising by taking the geometric mean we get

b^2 = (c-d)(c+d)/4

so

b = ±√(c^2-d^2)/2

which is exactly the same as we computed above.*

b = ±√(d^2 – c^2)

implying that twidark moves at a speed of either

+√(d^2 – c^2)

or

−√(d^2 – c^2)

Physicists feel that this dual-speed property must be important: it should allow twidark to join up properly with both light, which has positive speed, and dark, which has negative speed. However, neither answer agrees with our previous hypotheses☛, so the detailed calculations are elusive.

For example, if we average to two speeds we get b=0, which is one of our previous suggestions.

Alternatively, the average of the speeds of light and dark is

(c-d)/2

or, if you dispute Onestone’s ‘negative d’ proposal,

(c+d)/2

Compromising by taking the geometric mean we get

b^2 = (c-d)(c+d)/4

so

b = ±√(c^2-d^2)/2

which is exactly the same as we computed above.*

☛ Except ‘umpty’, for a given value of umpty.

* Well, actually it should be d^2-c^2 and the /2 is wrong as well, but this is cosmology. Anyway, if we divide by √-1/2 then we get exactly the same result. The number √-1/2 is called Plonk’s constant, because you can plonk it down wherever you need to make the calculation work out OK.

* Well, actually it should be d^2-c^2 and the /2 is wrong as well, but this is cosmology. Anyway, if we divide by √-1/2 then we get exactly the same result. The number √-1/2 is called Plonk’s constant, because you can plonk it down wherever you need to make the calculation work out OK.